First I should tell you about myself. I am young and growing in all aspects of life. I am one person who probably enjoys time spent in my mind more than socializing with people. My mind provides me with this comfort and warmth that no other individual has managed to gift me with. I sit an listen to music just to dream on! I constantly have conversations with myself, with other people and with my future self at ease. Most importantly I fall in love more often than I should in my mind. I analyze my every move and my overall behavior at night when no one is watching or listening. My mind is my safe haven. I find peace, I find strength and I find courage in my mind.
From this, one would think I have everything under control! It does appear so. I have learned through my relationships that I have this overwhelming desire to control my emotions and behavior at all times. One would say this seems like a perfect way to live, since control is desired by many. To be honest, I love control and flourish in knowing I appear strong to others. I have been doing it for so long that I fail to act out my true feelings. I’m fine is literally my favorite phrase. Many always advice me to open up, to be real and show emotions. Well the truth is I do not know how to ‘not be okay’. I struggle with crying in public or in front of anyone really. It’s genuinely difficult for me to appear weak and hurt. When I am hurt for example I struggle with the idea of translating that to another. Sharing my feelings with other people is a challenge for me, when for many it is a relaxing experience. I find it easy to do so, after I have analyzed my feelings and come to specific conclusions. Only then am I able to tell another. The problem with this is, raw emotions are true and better than ‘processed well thought out emotions’. Raw emotions bring out the truth and allow for immediate response and relief.
This brings me to my biggest fear. LOVE, In love I feel like I am not myself. The world of love comes with laughter, joy and tremendous happiness. However it also comes with tears, heartaches and disappointments. In love I lose control! Without control I am not myself. Hence the fear.