Dear Diary.

Snapchat-3405132055976552543.jpgWith each other my beloved we walked this gravel road not knowing how great we are together. We called it a walk when it was a ‘life changing experience’. With no one around but our three spirits we shared. We opened our hearts and healed wounds. One complained about not being enough. The lesson was about fearing ‘to disappoint those we love. As we approached the end, we realized that we have come too far. We realized that we are great the way we are. To our parents, to our friends and to our peers at home we are the greatest. We are lucky. We were granted an opportunity to discover ourselves surrounded by people of different skin color, different faiths and different languages. The UWC experience was the greatest and we should be grateful. At that moment we reminded each other of the dangers of always hoping for more. We reminded each other of how things will turn out in the end. Everything will be okay! I just hope I remember this, in this confusing lonely time.

I love you too.

I love you so much. I love you for comforting me. You are a gift from the future. You are the one I want to meet. Your love is strengthening and encouraging. Your compassion is blinding like the beauty of sunrise in Spring. Your words built my spirituality and fed my philosophical brain. Your love gave me power. Allowed for the monster in me to flourish. You allowed me to be selfish consistently. I gave you what I could afford and not what you needed. I gave you passion and stole your smile. I fed you a dream made up of lavender smoke. You loved the scent so much that you saw flowers instead of a cloud. I showed you my weaknesses when it was convenient and necessary for your bondage. I grew taller from standing on your feet. You fell at my feet begging for freedom with a smile on your face. You bled from my warm kisses.

The problem with all of this is that you arrived too early. I never had this much power. I am always the giver and not the receiver. I am learning how to control myself. I am like an infant learning to sit-up. I love you and I am setting you free. I need you sane and healthy. I am ending the cycle today. From today onwards you shall smile from your own efforts. From today onwards you are a man!. A man I am proud of and love dearly. Today You have earned my respect. You are currently wearing a coat of honor and dignity. Never take it off. Farewell my lover.

Who is taking care of the tree?

I have been with you for 5 years now. We are more than just a couple, we are friends. We share one bed, one logic and one understanding-at least I thought we did. To me loyalty meant more than passion. Lust and butterflies all died with my youth. I longed for comfort more than orgasms. Our friends think the best of us. I am your comforter and your friend before I am your sex mate. I stayed for laughs and the walks and not for fucking. I thought you knew that. I told you about myself and my desires. I am a bird and you are my nest. Our love is the tree. The tree protects both the bird and the nest simultaneously. Without the support of the tree the nest would simple parish. The most important part however is that the bird builds the nest. The bird chooses the design, chooses the material and works on the nest for hours if not days. The nest stays in one place while the bird flies to different places; more for food than anything else. The bird always comes back to its own nest. From the nest the bird gets comfort. One wonders which is more important to the bird-the nest or the tree. I say the tree. with the tree intact and strong the nest stays safe. If the tree is dry and falling off the nest is not safe. The bird deserves a safe nest! She built the nest from ground up, with patience and love. Who in the world is taking care of the tree?

My Real biggest fear.

LOVE 

First I should tell you about myself. I am young and growing in all aspects of life. I am one person who probably enjoys time spent in my mind more than socializing with people. My mind provides me with this comfort and warmth that no other individual has managed to gift me with. I sit an listen to music just to dream on! I constantly have conversations with myself, with other people and with my future self at ease. Most importantly I fall in love  more often than I should in my mind. I analyze my every move and my overall behavior at night when no one is watching or listening. My mind is my safe haven. I find peace, I find strength and I find courage in my mind.

From this, one would think I have everything under control! It does appear so. I have learned through my relationships that I have this overwhelming desire to control my emotions and behavior at all times. One would say this seems like a perfect way to live, since control is desired by many. To be honest, I love control and flourish in knowing I appear strong to others. I have been doing it for so long that I fail to act out my true feelings. I’m fine is literally my favorite phrase. Many always advice me to open up, to be real and show emotions. Well the truth is I do not know how to ‘not be okay’. I struggle with crying in public or in front of anyone really. It’s genuinely difficult for me to appear weak and hurt. When I am hurt for example I struggle with the idea of translating that to another. Sharing my feelings with other people is a challenge for me, when for many it is a relaxing experience. I find it easy to do so, after I have analyzed my feelings and come to specific conclusions. Only then am I able to tell another. The problem with this is, raw emotions are true and better than ‘processed well thought out emotions’. Raw emotions bring out the truth and allow for immediate response and relief.

This brings me to my biggest fear. LOVE,  In love I feel like I am not myself. The world of love comes with laughter, joy and tremendous happiness. However it also comes with tears, heartaches and disappointments. In love I lose control! Without control I am not myself. Hence the fear.

I hear voices.

They tell me a bunch of things.

Haunting me every night especially in REM.

In class I fail to be present. They whisper much more than I can process.

 

I never listen and I never give in.

Each voice allows the heart to rhythmically gush some dopamine.

My mind goes to work overload and yet there is nothing more satisfying.

 

“You are great, you are well and worthy”

“You are a lover, a comforter and a hero”

“You are a builder, a dreamer and a giver”

“You are alive, you are present and willing”